My good friend Rachel has been raving about the band Dawes for several months now. She does this often, about new bands she hears, and tells me to listen to the entire album, etc. etc. We sometimes have a contest about this, and she usually wins by knowing or having actually seen in concert a band I just realized I liked. I had liked some of Dawes, but nothing really jarred me. Until today. It wasn’t the first time I had heard the song “If I Wanted Someone” but after a several weeks of feeling like a tightly wound anxious ball, I REALLY like the song now that I listened to it fully. It’s on repeat right now.
It’s a slow-moving song. I’m a little slow-moving these days too. I feel burnt out at work, my body hurts from the temperature in the teens, and tonight I slipped and fell on a trashbag I had thrown down our basement stairs as I was carrying a full armload. Ankle is swollen and sprained; elbow is a raspberry, upper butt will be bruised. It’s not the first time, and it certainly won’t be the last, but dang.
I’ve felt like crawling into a shell a lot lately. I’ve been reading a lot about introverts lately too, and it feels as if I’ve pinpointed something about me that makes total sense. The song above feels like it’s speaking to me about being quiet, but also being very purposeful — “The only time I’m lonely is when others are around; I just never end up knowing what to say“. This is why I hate small talk with strangers, like in an elevator or while I’m checking out at Target. I am capable of doing it, but I just really don’t care to most of the time. Unless I’m in a business situation — that’s the exception to this rule.
I have come to understand my need for quiet in the past year, and the time late at night where I can decompress while Brian and the dogs have gone to bed, the time I spend ironing clothes while watching the Hunger Games for the 392nd time in our bedroom, or the time during the week nights when I have the house to myself when I don’t even turn on the television. Our weeks have been so busy lately, and I’m in need for a hunker-down session in the near term. My chest has been tight for way too many days in a row, and I’m anxious. I won’t bore you with my psychosomatic charms, but my body is reacting in a very strong way to my anxiety and worry. That anxious feeling is hard to describe if you’ve never felt your chest tighten and feel like collapsing at the same time. Couple that with your stomach feeling ill and knotted. Unpleasant really.
More than anything right now, I want my days to move easy. My body is needing some rest, and so is my mind. I’m hoping for some quiet time these next few weeks. I’ll likely have more to say then as well once I stop fretting about everything and nothing at the same time.