In the Moat: November Rain

My huge work event is over.  I feel as if the entire fall has passed me by, but by God, the event was a success.  I’m thoroughly exhausted.

Five weeks have passed since the last time I actually sat down and wrote.  I can’t remember a time when that much time went by and I didn’t pay some sort of attention to this blog.  Even now, as I’m sitting in my hotel room in NYC (the last real huge work event/meeting before the holidays), I’m struggling to find something specific to talk about.  I feel a little closed off and I don’t even know where to start.

My anxiety is up.  My professional confidence is up, while my personal confidence is down.  I feel a little discombobulated, but not about anything in particular.  I think I fret about fretting:  not having my stack of magazines read, not having the house vacuumed, the upcoming holiday rush and not having bought a single gift yet.  Among many other nit-picky things that constantly swirl around my moat.

We all have our peaks and valleys.  I’m mentally in a little valley right now.  I feel anxious quicker, and deeper.  My chest clenches and I wake up trying to calm myself down.  I dwell on everything.  And feel guilty about dwelling, and not having enough time in the day to get shit done.  And you know I love to GSD.

Even after my huge work event was a great moment for me, and I received a lot of very complimentary praise, I await the repercussions of how it will affect my transition between departments at work.  Without going into too much detail, I’m working for two semi-intertwined departments and it appears that both would like to keep me full time.  I’ve sat in limbo for several months with the hope of a year-end resolution, with the conclusion of this large event creating the likely point for discussions about my future role.  I should mention that I’m not doing 50% for both, but about 75% of both jobs and I can’t fully dive into a new role while the other duties linger.  I knew would take time to get sorted out because nothing happens quickly at our organization; I just hope it comes in December before my expectations completely overtake me.  It’s a little stressful tiptoeing around trying to be politically correct to all the supervisors and their supervisors who seemingly have my job in their hands.  So, that’s a little glimpse into my professional life.  Good, but could be better with some clearer lines and objectives.  Surely this is just something that we all go through as we grow in our careers.

Being so caught up in this client event for the past several weeks has made me feel guilty about neglecting things.  I know in my mind that my house isn’t too dirty, but I feel the need to clean it all the time.  Remy is growing up, and is tipping the scales at 50 lbs right now.  So, we have a cumulative 130 lbs clumsily running around the house at any given time and doubly shedding and fucking shit up at every turn.  Luckily, I’ve only had two Pottery Barn curtains completely ruined, instead of the six it could’ve been.  Silver lining.  Remy’s really not so bad, she’s just at that obnoxious, precocious puppy stage and we’re working through it.  She’s still really stinking cute.  And she loves her older brudder.

I don’t want this blog to ever seem whiny, and I’m sensitive to writing on here because of that.  I know I’ve had so many peaks to balance out my valleys…it’s just that there are several of them per day.  I’m a little overwhelmed right now and I can’t quite put my finger on why.  With the holidays creeping up, I’m sure that has something to do with it.  I’m happy for this NYC trip to get me out of the house, and to have some quiet time at night to myself to figure all this stuff out that is making me feel anxious, oblivious, and sad.  I’m sure it will be therapeutic in many ways.  I’ve got several lists to make, and there’s no time like the present.