Airports are beastly endeavors. The things one sees in them accompanied by the behaviors on the actual plane is enough to make me really want my private pilot’s license.

On this particular vacation we have been delayed on each flight; a cumulative eight hours with likely a few more once we reach Chicago and miss our connector. So…aside from a beautiful time in Kiawah, I am really ready to get away from commercial airline travel.

Because I’m being a total grump right now AND we have another hour to sit on the runway before departing South Carolina, here’s a short list of things I find laughable/cryable regarding air travel:

1. When you see the luggage handler shot put your luggage onto the conveyor belt. At least we know it’s on the plane.

2. The woman who wanted me to change seats so her eight year old son could sit by her. For one, book your seating in advance if it’s that important to you and don’t tell me one aisle seat is as good as the next. Relying on the kindness of strangers is not in your cards today, lady. Normally I’m not so crude. You see, by switching seats, I would’ve had to sit by an older Asian man with some form of Tourette’s, who kept spitting and farting audibly across from us at the terminal gate. I kid you not. Luckily, Brian and I made a quick suggestion to allow us to sit by one another and Fawts A Wot is in front of us. Not the best, but certainly not as bad as sitting directly next to him. Silver lining!

Also, this was the kid who took my seat; his stupid mom asked him if this was a good idea or a silly idea afterwards.


Both hands. This kid has a LOT of cognitive reasoning skills.

3. Hours and hours of delays. We are at the mercy of Mother Nature and it really blows. And farts, apparently.

4. People who are too cheap to check their luggage. Your large roller board suitcase is NOT a fucking carry-on. And the three large bags you have slung on your shoulders don’t follow the very clear rules either.

(Audible fart count: 7, including time in terminal)

5. Screaming children. No, I don’t have kids and I know you are hoping for everyone’s empathy and understanding. However, where I come from, screaming isn’t allowed no matter how upset you are, even outdoors. I’m sorry your child is having a rough time. Now I am too; I suppose misery really does love company.

6. Several phone updates about our flight status. I’ve had five calls today telling me of delays. Normally I would appreciate the notice. Now, it’s just insulting and sucky as we’re sitting on this aircraft pining to take off.

7. People who use the seat in front of them (my seat) as leverage to stand or balance. Real considerate.

8. Airline seat designers. You guys really missed the mark on seating anatomy. In fact, you did the opposite of good design.

9. The six teenage kids playing hacky sack in the middle of ORD. Really? Really.