I think I’ve gotten my days off, and thus my countown to the big 3-0 may be a day off. Therefore, I’m combining two quips into one – my strengths AND my weaknesses. I hope you don’t mind terribly.
I’m approaching what I assume to be the end of the first third of my life and an honest assessment of the good and bad is merited. If I live to 90, I figure I’ll be doing quite well. I think I have a handle on the things that make me proud of myself and those things that weaken my character. Let’s begin with the weaknesses first; my glass half empty:
1. My anxiety is the root of all of my weaknesses, or so I believe. It causes so many different mental and physical issues. Sometimes it’s tolerable and the days are great. Sometimes my chest could cave in and kill me in an instant…or so I feel. It’s become something I’m hypersensitive to, as if I have these extra feelers coming out of my skin that are extremely in-tune to my mood and the moods of others around me. Being an empath is no joke. I’ve spoken at length about this issue and how it’s a daily fixture. I’m thankful for my medicine, my coping skills, my therapist, and above all, my husband who is learning every day just how anxiety and panic affect me, and how to help me.
2. If I don’t like you, or disagree with you, I nothing you for the rest of our association. I’m polite, or as polite as I can be all day long but I will not engage in a friendship with you. You become a waste of my precious time left on this earth. I should really follow my father’s latest philosophy of “peace and harmony”, but I decided a long time ago there is only so much room in my circle of close friends and family. It’s not a dislike, it’s simply a “nothing”. That disassociation is not so much as weakness, perhaps, as it is a coping mechanism. The weakness lies in my unwillingness to change that about myself.
3. I’m terribly clumsy. I trip over everything, I walk into walls and doorframes, and injure myself more often than your average toddler. I get this from my father. How I wish I was graceful and proper, and I do try to be, but it just does not work out in my favor most of the time.
4. I cannot do complex math or science to save my life. I cried through algebra and chemistry in both high school AND college. Should I have children, they will not be asking me for help with fractions.
5. Aside from #2, there is a piece of me that cares so deeply about things that it wrecks me. Those issues/people/things that I do care about are part of a fierce and loyal love. The only weakness in this is how much it affects me when something goes wrong. Or when things change.
These weaknesses are by no means all-encompassing, but for my purposes today, they’ll do just fine. But now on to more positive things, like my strengths and the glass half full:
1. I’ve discovered this ability to be very perceptive. I’m not pyschic by any means, but my ability to process things at the very most logical point is something I’m finding great value in. It has helped me deal and think through things professionally and personally on many different levels. I’ve learned to be cool under pressure, when three years ago, I would’ve been panicked and running around like a chicken with its head cut off. After many conversations with my therapist, she has led me to believe that most people do not have this extra perception. Apparently most people do not have the ability to think as basic and logically as I do. There is a silver lining in this anxiety stuff after all…and I’m glad for that.
2. I am a very good decorator, or so I’m told by my peers and family. I credit my mother for that, and all of her creative genes that came through my sisters and I. I like to think I’m stylish without being fussy or extremely particular. My antiques often speak for themselves and I’m glad to have family heirlooms to display in my home as a tribute to the great taste my family had before me. I’ve got a little bit of rustic hunting lodge mixed with 1950’s modern, and a dash of several other influences. I’m working now on styling our home and I know it’s a job that will never quite be complete…and I’m okay with that.
3. I love to write. Hence this blog’s tenure of over eight years. I also love to document memories which fits nicely here. I am so lucky to have had that instilled in me at a young age by both my parents. Funny example, but when we were cleaning out my dad’s basement two weekends ago, we found lots of treasures…like his beard clippings from 1997. Gross? Nah, because I remember the shaving of the beard to be a yearly ritual and how different he looked with and without it. A funny memory nonetheless. We did throw them away though.
4. I also love to read. It didn’t dawn on me until recently that because I grew up in the country, I had to find ways to entertain myself more than the kids who lived in town did. I was a pretty independent kid (and now a pretty independent adult), and if you couldn’t find me, I was either out with my pony, or reading under the deck in a hammock. I also never fully appreciated this until these past few years when I find a book I love. My stack of “books to read” is forever growing, and I forever want more books to fill my shelves and tables. I also can’t wait to get a horse here in St. Louis, but that’s for another post very soon.
5. I can cross my pinkie toes. Surely, somewhere, that is a huge strength. I can also name most 80-90’s country songs by artist and title, back a trailer up, and hold my own in a Scrabble match.