Brian and I, and two good pals, went on vacation to Hilton Head Island, SC last week for five days. It was a beautiful vacation. We biked, we paddle boarded, we golfed and we enjoyed one another. We saw dolphins swimming wild in the ocean 50 feet from us (who gets to see that?!). We walked at midnight on the beach by a full moon and I cried my eyes out because I don’t think I’ve seen anything so peaceful and beautiful; crying through happiness is quite a virtue I’m thankful to say I’ve experienced.
It’s hard to describe how good and refreshing the trip was. It had all the ingredients to make me forget about life in St. Louis for several days, and all the things that weren’t so important. Rather than diving into it, I will let the pictures do my talking for me (more to see here):
Brian and I came back on Friday, and had the weekend to decompress from vacation. It felt as if my anxiety and worry had stayed in South Carolina for most of the weekend, but it slowly came back this week. Like a headache that gnaws at you and leaves you with one eye and no skin on your arm. It’s now almost Friday and I feel as if I’m throwing punches under water. It’s true when they say anxiety has its bad days and good days. Unfortunately, I’ve been having several bad days in a row this week and it’s taking a large toll. I’ve become no stranger to crying at work…so sad and embarrassing.
I’ve been reading a lot about anxiety lately, and what effects it has on your spouse. I found some interesting things, like this very honest, poignant blurb from The Bloggess. (Normally her stuff is really funny, which is why this perhaps made me cry my eyes out at my desk at work…which is acceptable, right?) I found some others written from the spouse’s point of view and the themes were mainly the same. Support, even though you don’t fully understand what your wife (in this case) is going through. Validate. Be there. Know that this anxiety, panic, and worry are real. You won’t always have the answer and you’ll be frustrated at times. It’s part of the life you choose to lead with a person who suffers anxiety, worry, and occassionally, depression. I am seeking different treatment and It can only get better from this point on. I am committed to being better. I don’t envy Brian, although he will have to learn to cope with a wife like me.
Tonight, we had some old friends over; some we hadn’t seen in several months. Gathered around a fire pit, we chatted, laughed, and the winds blew in as Dave Murray (on the 2Fox) had predicted at this stage of the game. It was comforting to scoot closer to the hot fire. With those chilly winds came hundreds of leaves floating down over us in the nightime air. It’s these moments that make me truly grateful for the life I have; to sit in your own backyard and watch Fall come down around you is something to be appreciated. It’s our first Fall in this house, and I am filled with so much gratitude. I sat with my glass of red wine enjoying our guests and how the house smelled faintly of smoke and fire through the cracked windows. I assume anxiety and worry are something I’ll deal with for the rest of my life, but it’s evenings like this that keep me thinking that I can get through it all, and I have hope in the darkest of times. I will hold on with all of my might, and we’ll be alright.