I’m not sure if it’s the chilly air, or the comfortableness of wearing new Gap jeans that actually fit, a cozy sweatshirt, and flip flops that has helped to put me in a better mood, but it has certainly helped. May have been the first fire pit of the season we enjoyed until 2am last weekend. Next came the Fall decorations; I just couldn’t help myself! You should just smell the pumpkin spice that radiates through this house.
Ah, but that’s probably not what you want to read about. I’m a few steps forward than when I last wrote. I went to my new psychologist last week, the first of many weeks, I presume. At first, I was terrified of bring up the depths of my thoughts and repressed emotional feelings yet again to find some suitable treatment. It’s a scary past when you have to drag over 15 years up and make the connections of why my anxiety occurs, and how to manage it. It will be intense, but has the potential to unlock so many issues and ways to combat them that I’m really excited to progress. Sometimes you just need a little help. I am seeking help, and receiving it in so many ways.
Your twenties are really tricky. But I’m in this last year and looking forward to being a better person. One who feels like she’s not having a four different panic attacks a day. One that considers my husband just as much as I consider myself, and my family, and all of my relationships. I haven’t been the best lately, but I’m officially ready for a change. Something has to, or the elephant on my chest might squish me. My last post really spurred some attention; lots of you wanted to come give me hugs which I appreciated so very much. I have truly felt terrible these past few weeks, a type of terrible I can’t quantify into words. But even just being there, a hug or nice note has meant a lot. I know a response is often hard to find when you ask someone how they’re doing and they tell you they’ve been doing rather poorly, lots of panic attacks and feeling pretty down. But those of you that say in response, “I’m here for you“, “I will listen and understand that this is a real problem for you“, and every other kind word has been the best encouragement I could have.
We leave in a week for Hilton Head, South Carolina for a little R&R with two other close friends. On the agenda is no work email or thinking about anything happening in Missouri. Golf, beach, seafood, paddle boarding and reading books is where I’m headed. Oh, and LOTS of photos. I spent a few hours on Saturday just cruising and stopping on a whim to shoot something I thought was pretty. Therapy has many faces – looks like taking pictures of interesting things is one of mine.
Thank you again, for being there for me…there are more of you than I could name, but know I appreciate your good wishes and advice, and your wicked mature insight.