I’ll just be over here on my soapbox.

Occassionally I need to remind myself why I started this blog six years ago.  The truth is I reallllly started it speak my mind on subject matter that interested or perturbed me.  It has more lately become a place to document trips, pictures, fun stuff we do as a couple and with our friends, and finding treasures on the internet.  Evolving is good, but somtimes you’ve got say to yourself, “REALLY?”

Now, let me get to saying my peace while I share some of the ridiculuous stuff that’s been building in my brain for the past few weeks. Lately I’ve been noticing how little common sense there is around me sometimes,  at work, running errands, or even the lack of general etiquette of being polite.  I’m not terribly in the mood to be very polite right now, so I’m here to write some curt letters to those who have been making me say, “Really?  Really.” quite a bit, and not in a good way.

Dear Guy in our Parking Garage who Collided Head-On into My Friend,
You suck!  You drive a dented, sorry, 2002 Chevy Cavalier.  And yet you have the gall to force my friend to pay you out of pocket from an estimate from one of the more expensive Chevy dealers, when clearly you aren’t going to fix your shitty, multiple-dents-on-every-side Cavalier.  Go ahead and enjoy that money, you classless douche.  And in the meantime, stop texting the girl you hit trying to pick her up LOL….she’s clearly not interested, you weirdo, LOL.  (This douche LOVED using the term LOL and we are still making fun of it.)

And STOP using LOL.  We’re not 13.   Oh, and we everyone also stop using the word “bestie”, and if you work with me, “voluntold” (which actually isn’t a word, just phrase that means you’ve been forced to take part in a project that could potentially suck the life out of you).  There are other, much nicer words in the English language we can use for good friends, laughing hysterically, or simply doing one’s job.

In the meantime, Cavalier guy, I’ve been noticing a lot of door dings and key scratches around the parking garage.  I’d watch yo shit.

Sincerely,
Looking Down on You and Your Really Pathetic Pick-up Lines via Text Message LOL.  Yes, we’re still laughing at you.

Dear Shitty Parent of Some Impressionable Children I Know,
While I’ve never been a parent, I realize caring for your children is the absolute and most selfless job on the planet.  By selfless, I mean that parents should want the best, most safe, healthy things for them in their homes and at school – usually this is a no-brainer. For those parents who aren’t interested in caring for your children’s well-being, you should be ashamed of your dismal parenting skills.

I know I’ve been in that scared spot between divorce where I didn’t know if i was coming or going and what to feel towards each parent.  For certain, trashier, unfit parents to be selfish while endangering your child’s health, you deserve to be publicly mocked and your children removed from your care.  Just my two cents…

Children need some structure, and need to feel happy on a loving, forward, positive, path.  There are good times to be had once this mess is over.

Sincerely,
A Little Birdie Who Wants it All Straightened Out for Her Birdie Friends

To the Landlord on Nottingham:
You, sir, are a terrible landlord.  You gave my friend the rigamarole, over and over not returning calls or emails in order to let her sign the lease to your adorable apartment, on top of repeatedly missing meetings.  What kind of landlord doesn’t want his properties to be full?  Are you the shittiest landlord in St. Louis?

Barring a medical emergency, there is no reason to treat a possible tenant like this.  Well, former-possible tenant because you sucked so royally.  You know those kind of great tenants that keep their places clean and quiet and alas, even pay their rent on time?  Yeah, well, she was one of them, so I hope you are cursed with lazy, jobless people with foul, body odor!

Sincerely,
Someone Who Has Once Been Taken Advantage of by Leasing Parties.  You guys are assholes!

Dear Kim Kardashian,
I think you’re a PR piece of work, but this skit really does sum it all up, especially Kris at the altar – Kim’s FairyTale Divorce.

Sincerely,
Growing Tired of your “Marriage is Hard” Bullshit by the Day

To the Guy on the Elliptical at the Gym, 
I applaud your efforts to get fit, I truly do.  However, when you leave a ring of sweat around the machine on the floor, I am grossed out by this.  Please clean up your bodily fluids.  It’s just really nasty.

Sincerely,
Needs a Raincoat to Work Out Next to You

Feel free to submit one of your own!  Feels good to let it out, I promise.

2 thoughts on “I’ll just be over here on my soapbox.

  1. this is spot on. let me add a little:

    Dear White Trash People of a Certain County in Missouri Near Hwy 13 and I-70,

    I challenge you. Look at your miserable, lonely life and talk about that. Don’t talk about anything but that for 5 solid years. And if the need should strike to talk about others lives, throw yourself down the stairs, or off a bridge immediately. You are pathetic and I wish you nothing but pain and suffering in your time of death.

    Challenge #2. Find perspective with high school athletics. Humans are a mere speck in this world. High school athletics is an even smaller speck. Recognize that you are, in fact, only excited because you were a horrible, worthless, untalented athlete when you were in high school. Move on and spend that energy doing good for the world. And put the beer down, its high school sports. Loser.

    Challenge #3. Be nice to kids who’s mother has decided to be in an inter-racial relationship. It’s not their fault. But if you see that mother out in town with her new white trash life, and her kids are not with her, ask her to take care of her kids and not be a shit-hole parent. Or tell her to follow procedures from challenge #1.

    Challenge #4. Reduce the sound of your vehicle. Big, loud motors only wake people up and sounds stupid. You are a retard. And a CB antenna is really, really not necessary. They have these things called cell phones now. Check into it.

    Sincerely,
    Over the Hub

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